You're afraid of hearing it, but I'm more afraid than you. I won't listen to you.
No! You've got to know.
I've got to tell you. I can't keep it to myself any longer.
I'm guilty !
You're guilty of nothing !
I've been telling myself that...
Since the night I heard the child say it.
I lie in bed night after night, praying that it isn't true.
But I know about it now. It's there.
I don't know how, I don't know why.
But I did love you-- I do love you !
I resented your plans to marry--
Maybe because I wanted you.
Maybe I wanted you all these years.
I couldn't call it by name before,
But maybe it's been there since I first knew you.
- not the truth ! Not a word of it is true !
We never thought of each other that way !
No, of course you didn't. I used to say I didn't.
I never felt that way about anybody but you.
I've never loved a man.
I never knew why. Shut up !
Maybe it's best.
You're tired, worn out.
It's funny. It's all mixed up.
So how was the movie, ladies ? You recommend it ?
Oh, too much high drama for my taste. I like comedy better.
Me too. Say, you ladies need somebody to see you home ?
Oh, no, thank you, sam. We can see just fine on our own, thank you.
Anytime you need an escort-- if we do, it'll be you, sam, guaranteed.
Hello, boys.
Wait, let me help you, for god sakes. - I have it.
You don't. You're gonna hurt your back. Oh, shut up.
Oh, I'm fine.
Just got a little out of breath, that's all.
There. You sure you're all right ? I'm fine.
Sure you're all right ? You wicked wretch. I'm fine.
Ah, ah ! Oh, oh ! Edith, edith.
You look kinda peaked, sweetie. Go to bed. I'll bring you some tea.
I just wanna fill the feeders. Do it in the morning. The birds can wait.
Where is that damn scoop ?
You always put it in a different place.
It's in the same place every time.
Where the hell is it ?
I'll get it. - Oh.
You stupid, bullheaded old woman.
oh, god. I--
Don't stay too long out there. - I won't.
Abby ?
Abby !
Are you still out there ? I'm checking on something.
Well, for sweet's sake, put some light on at least.
Oh, my god ! Abby, are you out of your mind ?
I saw some Starlings building a nest up here. I just wanna see what they're up to.
They're not up to anything, you fool. They're asleep.
Just be quiet, would you ? Hush up yourself. Do you want some tea ?
Yeah, please. You be careful now.
I'm watching you.
Edie, I knew it ! She's sitting on some eggs. Oh, lovely.
Oh, hello, pretty bird. How many do you have in there ?
Oh, leave the bird alone. You'll scare the wits out of her.
I wanna build another house out here. This one is always filled.
Oh, I think this is the one I banded.
I can't believe it, edie, she came back !
No wonder, darling. You spoil the poor bird rotten.
Go to sleep, pretty bird. Don't mind me. Go to sleep, little darling.
- This where we wait ? - Yes.
They just took my husband in. He had a heart attack.
We were in the den, having our coffee after dinner,
And I was sitting in my chair, reading my magazine,
And then I-- I thought,
"it got very quiet in here. Why's it so quiet ?"
And I looked over at James--
He was slumped in his chair,
And he wasn't breathing.
He had a heart attack...
Right in front of me.
I never even noticed.
Here. It's clean.
Thank you. Thank you.
You're very kind. Thank you.
Why are you here ? Is it your husband too ?
My friend fell off a ladder. We think she had a stroke.
- Did she break any bones ? - Don't know yet.
Well,
She'll be fine.
Is your husband still alive ? I never had a husband.
Well, that's lucky,
'cause you won't have the heartbreak of losing one.
Mrs. Carpenter, you can see your husband now.
Is he all right ? The doctor would like to talk to you.
Oh, my god, it's not good.
It's not good.
Excuse me ? Can you tell me what is happening with miss henley ?
Oh, you're the lady who brought her in. Yes, I am. Is she all right ?
She's stabilized. They're gonna move her into intensive care. May I see her ?
Only family members are allowed in after hours. Come back tomorrow.
Can I see her for a moment ? She might be scared.
Oh, I wouldn't worry about her. They're taking good care of her.
Best thing you can do is come back tomorrow.
Well, I'm going to stay right here. Would you please tell her that i am here ?
I will, ma'am, I will. If anything changes, would you let me know ?
Mm-hmm.
Excuse me, can you tell me where intensive care is ? Down the hall.
I was told that she was here.
I don't see her chart anywhere. What's the patient's name ? Abigail Henley.
I brought her into the emergency ward last night.
She'd had a stroke, and they thought she might've broken her hip.
At least we know she didn't just up and walk out of here. Don't worry, ma'am.
We will track her down. Let's check the geriatric ward.
But I've been here all night. I asked them to come get me if anything changed.
They should've told me if she was moved. Don't worry, we'll find her.
You know, visiting hours don't start till 10:00. I know.
I know that. I just want to know...
If she's doing all right.
Is she all right ? Is anything wrong ? Did you find her ?
Are you any relation of hers, ma'am ?
No, I'm a friend. I'm a very good friend.
Does she have any family ?
Please, would you tell me if something's wrong ? I'm so sorry.
Miss henley passed away.
Oh, no. Oh, no. We're so sorry, ma'am.
When did it happen ?
3:45 this, uh, morning.
Why didn't someone tell me ? I-I was here. They saw me, I was waiting.
I was there, waiting. We're so sorry. - Ma'am,
Does she, uh--
Does she have any next of kin ?
"next of kin" ?
We need to call somebody to find out what to do with the remains.
I'll give you the number for them to call, okay ?
Dear, there's a chapel on the third floor,
If you'd like to just go there and sit for a little bit.
Well, can I see her ? Oh, dear,
I'm sorry, they already took her body downstairs.
We are so sorry.
Shit.
[ woman ] hello ? [ Edith ] hello. May I speak to Ted Henley, please ?
Who's this ? - This is Edith Tree.
I'm the-- a friend of his Aunt Abigail.
Oh ! Uh, hold on, please.
Ted !
hello ? - Hello, Ted.
This is Edith Tree. I'm the friend of your Aunt Abby.
Sure. Hello. - I'm afraid--
I'm so sorry. Your aunt passed away this morning.
Oh, well, geez. Well, how'd it happen ?
Well, she had a terrible fall last night, and apparently she had a stroke,
And they tried to revive her, but this morning she was gone.
Oh, geez, I'm-I'm sorry that happened.
Now,
Her remains are still at the hospital,
And I have the number you will have to call.
Okay. Let me just get a pencil.
And if I can be of any help for you to arrange the service--
Sure, that would be terrific.
Uh, I guess I'd better come out there then.
Let me just jot a few more things down here.
Edith, I'm-- Edith, I'm sorry-- what's your last name again ?
Uh, tree.
Sweetheart, let's--
Stop that.
You know, I think that that was a very nice service.
It sure was. It was very respectful.
Well--
There we go.
Well, I expect you're hungry.
I'll make some tea.
No, we're fine. - No, no. Why don't you two sit down.
No, no, I'll do it. You can go over your aunt's papers.
I'll make the tea. I'm sure I can find my way around.
The kitchen is this way ?
I went all around the house and dug up everything I could find,
But Abby was never very organized about these things.
She sure wasn't. I found this photograph of you and aunt abby.
Geez, I don't remember this.
It was the first visit you and your parents made...
To... Us, - mm-hmm.
And aunt abby took you fishing for the first time.
Uh-huh. You were afraid to put the bait on the hook.
Oh, oh, oh. Right. And she showed you how to do it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember that hat.
Huh.
Well, okey-doke, let's see what we have here.
- please !
Don't touch those, dear. They're very fragile.
Those were your great aunt Abby's. She was a big bird watcher.
Oh.
These were hers, weren't they ? Yes. She used to like to keep them by her chair...
So she could watch the feeders... Here you go, honey.
Through the window. Here, honey, see if you can spot us some birds, okay ?
Can I have these ? - Sure.
Mm.
Well, it looks like abby owned this house.
Yes, it was in her name, but we both helped to pay the mortgage.
I see.
Well, I guess it's only fair that you get something back.
Wha-- how do you mean ? When I sell the house.
Oh ?
Oh, I'm s-- uh--
Did you wanna stay on here ?
Yes ! That was always the agreement between abby and me.
did she leave a will or anything...
Saying that she wanted to give the hous to you ? No, no.
okay.
Well, I-I have no problem with you staying here.
Uh, maybe we can work out some kind of rental situation.
Oh, but Abby and I already paid off the mortgage.
I really shouldn't have to pay rent all over again.
Uh--
But you see, um--
Uncle sam is gonna slap me with a big inheritance tax on this place,
And I can't just let it sit here and eat a hole in my pocket.
Oh.
You see what I'm saying ?
I've been here for 30 years. Where am I going to go ?
Do you have any family, Edith ? What do you mean ?
Do you have anybody who could take you in ?
I really don't want to be taken in. Okay, here we go.
This is a beautiful teapot. Was it abby's ?
No, it was mine.
You know, I-I think that before we leave,
That I'd help you sort through some of Abby's things.
No, there's no need for that. Oh, don't be silly. Sit down, sweetheart.
She is Ted's family, after all.
You really shouldn't have to do it all.
It's an awful job. After my mother died, my sisters and I--
stop picking at that.
My sisters and I had to go down and clean out the house,
And I swear, it was a solid week just trying to figure out what to do with all the junk...
That was in the drawers.
So, is most of this furniture here yours...
Or abby's ? - It's both of ours.
Actually, Edith said she might want to stay on here for a little while,
So, uh, maybe we should just-- no, thanks--
Maybe we should just leave the furniture.
Oh, well, that's fine.
I'm relieved.
Frankly, I didn't know what we were gonna do with all of it.
So, well, that's perfect.
Well, these, now, were Abby's, weren't they ?
Yes. - Oh, yeah, some of these are very beautiful.
I-I gave her that one.
Oh. It's a lovely gift.
Abby was a teacher, wasn't she ?
Yes, we both taught at the same school for many years.
Oh, so you've known each other a long time ?
Yes.
It must be so very sad for you to lose such a good friend.
It is. It is.
I think that you should have something of hers to remember her by.
I would really like it...
If you would pick one of these birds...
To have as a keepsake. Are you going to keep them ?
You know, I think that Ted would like something of his aunt's.
I don't think we need to take the birds, sweetheart. You know, they really are...
A part of the family.
I think Maggie would want them. Let's talk about it later, okay ?
I'm going to get some milk. I'll help you.
What ? Oh, I'm sorry. - Excuse me.
Oh, Edith, good news.
I found a couple savings bonds that might be worth something.
I was thinking, after whatever taxes they take out of them, you and I can split the amount,
And that would help you pay for the rent.
Ted, would you do me a favor, please ? - Sure.
The ladder-- the one she fell from-- is still out in the yard.
Would you-- - yeah, I got it. I'll move it.
Thirty. Hon,
Will you hold this edge over there so we can see how wide this is ?
- Thank you. - What are you doing ?
Oh, you know, edith, i think that we're gonna take the bed.
You know, it is a family piece.
- Ted said that it's his grandparents'. - Abby never mentioned that.
Well, it is, actually.
Mom, who's this ? Hmm ? Let's see.
Is that aunt Abby ?
I don't know. - Why are they dressed like men ?
I don't know.
We were dressed for a costume party.
Let's go visit daddy in the yard. Come on, sweetheart.
Come on.
I didn't mean to leave such a mess.
The problem is, if she stays on here,
We're the ones who are gonna be responsible for her.
Well, I'm sure she has some family somewhere. What if they don't want her ?
You see, I don't think it's fair that we should have to take care...
Of somebody else's maiden aunt. - Yeah.
Hey, daddy, look what I found. It just fell out of the birdhouse.
That's neat, sweetheart. Why don't you go inside and pick out what you want...
From aunt Abby's bird collection.
- That other lady doesn't want me to touch it. - Well, it's not for her to say.
Okay ? Go inside.
What are we gonna do with the rest of this stuff in this yard ?
My darling, my darling, my darling, my darling.
Oh, my darling !
What do you want ?
I-i found this.
oh, oh, yes.
Let me see.
It's a starling's egg.
Did it come from the birdhouse ?
Oh, they must've hatched.
Great-aunt Abby knew they were there.
Here.
That was aunt abby's handkerchief, but you can have it.
Little girl, it is not for you to say what I can and cannot have.
It is not for your parents to tell you what you can take.
I'm-I'm sorry.
It's all right, you can have it.
You didn't know your great-aunt, did you ?
She was very kind.
She couldn't bear to see anything suffer.
When we were girls,
She had her own little hospital for all the birds and mice...
She rescued from her cat.
They all survived--
Those fragile little creatures.
Somehow, she helped them pull through.
Edith, I need to go over a few more things with you before we leave.
All right.
Maggie, why don't you go play outside a little bit more, okay ?
Please.
um--
Edith, I know you and i...
Discussed the possibility of your staying on here.
But, as I said, with taxes and the upkeep and all,
It's just gonna be more practical for us if we sell the house.
You know, Edith, it might be better for you in the long run to get...
A nice apartment or a room somewhere...
Where you don't have to worry about cleaning the house or taking care of the yard.
Daddy ? Yeah ?
One of the baby birds fell out of the nest. What should I do ?
Just leave it, sweetheart. It's not supposed to make it.
Uh, why don't you guys finish packing up while I talk to edith.
Why don't you take this box out to the car ?
Do you want one of these ?
No, thank you.
Okay.
Here's what we'll do.
Uh, I won't put the house on the market until I'm sure you're settled someplace else.
And, as I said, I'll make sure that you're compensated.
I think that's what we should do.
If you knew your aunt at all--
If you...
Knew about all the marvelous things that she did...
And how good she was and funny...
And tender...
And brave and smart--
If you knew how hard she worked...
Just to find a little peace in this life--
If you knew at all, then you'd know...
What she wanted.
And this wasn't it.
No, my dear, this certainly wasn't it.
Okay, Edith, we're gonna go now.
Why don't I call you in a couple of weeks,
And we'll see where things are at ? - Mm-hmm.
Well, Edith, it was very nice to meet you,
And I am so very sorry about your loss.
Hey, how late was that woman here last night ? Very, very late.
Man, you scored. What happened ?
Well, you know, we're lyin' there afterwards, and I'm thinkin'--
That was nice. You know, she seems cool.
It was almost as if i said it out loud,
'cause the girl starts freaking out, saying this is her first experience with a woman,
And she just wanted to know what it was like.
Oh, great, the science experiment. Sometimes I feel like...
We're the only people in the world that really understand each other.
Baby, you just need to get laid.
No ! I just want a real relationship.
Linda, you wouldn't know what to do with a real relationship.
The second we started going out, you lost interest.
Jeanne, that's unfair. We both said we're better at being friends.
We are.
I just mean, you're way into your freedom.
Look, I'm not saying that I don't want my freedom. I just--
I just think it's possible to have that and be in love too. Well, after the revolution,
We can all find love.
Good morning ! Peace, man !
So fucking uptight !
Back it up, baby. Here we go. Let's roll.
Then my mother says to me, "the whole point of your college education...
Is to meet a nice boy." get the fuck outta here.
That's exactly what I said. You said "fuck" to your mother ?
No. I just told her it was hard enough to meet a nice girl.
- Shh, shh. - Hey.
Shit, we're not this late, are we ?
The college told us we can't have our meetings on campus anymore.
They don't want to support us because they think we're a lesbian group.
But they can't do that to us. - Yes,
They can do that, Linda.
Look, we have to be really clear about what kind of group we are. We just--
We feel it's too risky to include your issues right now.
- Are you kidding me ? - First we have to fight for the real issues of feminism:
Equal rights between men and women.
There isn't any room for you guys.
Diane, we started this group together. I worked my butt off...
To get free birth control on this campus !
What do you think-- i was protecting my right to screw frat boys ?
That is exactly the kind of attitude we don't need in here.
We did it for you ! We did it for you !
settle down !
- just shut up !
It's our group too !
I just can't get over diane. Forget about her.
Screw them. Why don't we go out ?
Where do you wanna go ?
I don't know.
I don't wanna run into any of 'em.
Fuck 'em. We got each other.
We can go to that gay bar that's out near the highway.
I heard that place was a dump.
Yeah, a dump.
Well, yeah, but aren't you still curious ?
Not "reary." not "reary."
Are-are you sure this is a lesbian bar ? It's a dyke bar.
Whoo, Linda ! Would you lay off ?
One more time, y'all !
Linda, we're not staying here. Come on, it could be fun.
You girls sure you're in the right place ?
We're not girls, we're women !
Yeah. Could we get a pitcher of beer, please ?
You're gonna have to come get it yourself, sweetheart. There's no table service.
Okey-dokie.
Looks like the women's movement is alive and kicking here at georgette's bar.
Man. - Look at that suit !
Careful, she might slip you her number.
I'm tellin' you, you're gonna get picked up on by her. I know.
Here. - Thank you.
Aw, him's jealous, baby.
Aw, man, tell me that's not a tie.
yeah, I even got my dad to stop wearing one.
Yeah, on a woman, it's ten times more offensive.
shit, I'm all out of smokes. Be right back.
- Hey, could I get a pack of smokes, please ? - Cigarette machine is busted.
Really ? Is the machine busted for everyone, or is it just busted for me ?
Hey, me and my friends are gay, you know ?
What do you want ? A medal ?
I wouldn't take it personally. I don't think she's ever fixed that machine.
Want one ?
Thanks.
I got it.
Thank you. - My pleasure. Keep the pack.
You sure ? I don't really smoke.
I just carry 'em to look tough.
Does looking tough make it easier to go to a bar alone ?
I like being alone. Really ?
You wanna dance ?
I can't. My friends are--
Thank you.
Come on, let's get outta here.
You know, I think I'm just gonna stick around for a little while longer.
Oh, linda, come on. This is some bullshit. Let's go.
No, it's cool. I'll meet you guys at the house later.
All right, bye ! - See ya.
There you go.
Look, I'm not gonna just abandon you here.
It's my choice.
Looks like your friends left.
Looks like it.
Now, would you like to dance ?
Yeah.
I'll bet your mom made you take ballroom dancing.
how'd you know ?
I know a few things about you.
For starters, I know you're interested.
You stayed when all your friends left.
Curious, in a way.
Curiosity turns me on.
It's really nice of you to give me a ride.
okay.
It's gonna get cold on the back of the bike.
Well, what about you ? I'm used to it.
Now ?
Hold on tighter.
This isn't about sex. It's about not falling off.
whoo !
There !
I could ride around all night on this.
I drove 300 miles from my hometown the day after I bought it.
Kept forgetting which was the brake and which was the clutch.
Oh, good ! Now you tell me.
So, do you live near here ?
On fourth street.
I'm sorry, you probably wanna get goin'.
So, what, you're finished with me now ?
- No, I didn't mean it like that. - I'm only kidding.
You're pretty easy to get. I thought you were a tough feminist.
I am.
I thought you were just tough.
Well, what do you think now ?
It's late.
I should go. What about your shirt ?
- Don't worry about it. - You could come and pick it up tomorrow.
- How about after work ? - Yeah.
I mean, I cannot believe you aren't gonna tell us. You got home really late.
I told you, there's nothing to tell. I just got a ride.
Did anything happen ? Yeah, who is she ?
She gave me the cigarettes.
You did not go home with the tie.
I told you, I just got a ride on her bike. It was fun.
That's worse than imagining you with a man.
Can we talk about something else ?
I ran into women from the collective all day,
And I don't know whether or not to say "hi," or just pretend not to see them.
You know what ? Just say "hello."
Tell them we're gonna start a lesbian group on campus, and they're welcome to join.
We are ? - How we gonna do that ?
We could. We pay tuition like everybody else.
You know what ? You're right. We should have a rally,
And we'll get enough people to sign a petition,
Then the college will have to recognize us. Exactly.
Right ?
What the fuck is diane doing here ?
damn, Linda !
- Hey. - Hey.
How you doing ? Actually, great. It's nice of you to ask.
You know, we were just talking about the rally we're gonna have to gain support...
For our new group.
Look, I feel really bad about all this. We never wanted to exclude you.
Diane, that group that you and I started was for all women. I still want it to be.
We're still lesbians, diane. That hasn't changed since yesterday.
I know that. I was just trying to say if we take it step by step,
Maybe-maybe next year--
So, until then, we should just pretend that we're not lesbians, is that it ?
We're not goin' anywhere.
Hi.
Do you have something for me ?
I forgot.
Okay.
It was nice meeting you, Linda.
Ladies.
Do you know her from school ? We don't know her at all.
Well, um, I'll see you guys.
How do you expect us to be accepted as feminists with your little boyfriend around ?
Right on.
You're not into her, are you ?
Well, it doesn't even matter.
She's never gonna speak to me again after the way that I treated her today.
How can you like someone who dresses like a man ?
You saw those women in the bar.
We fought so hard to break free of those roles.
She's not like that.
It's like she doesn't need other people to define who she is.
She knows.
- I brought you your shirt. - I don't care about the shirt.
Listen, I-I just wanted to apologize for what happened today.
I mean, you just showed up at a tense moment.
You mean, it got tense when I showed up.
No ! No, I--
It's not like it's never happened to me before.
I just thought if you invited me over, you knew it was me showing up.
I know. I know, and I'm-- and I'm really sorry. - Oh.
Was that it ?
Can I come in ?
Would you like something to drink ?
No, I'm fine.
Sorry, that was my one idea.
Just relax.
Good morning.
You're beautiful.
Did you hear me ? I said you're buying me breakfast.
I'm using your toothbrush.
[ giggling ]
I wish I could take you out to breakfast like that.
You look really sexy.
So, am I the woman, and you're the man ?
No.
- Why do you dress like one ? - This is how I feel comfortable.
Do you see yourself as a woman ?
don't you think I know what people think of me ?
This is me. It can't be any other way.
- Have you ever been-- - what's bothering you ?
That when we go out to breakfast together people will know what you are because you're with me ?
No.
No, that's not it.
Know what ?
Just... Forget about breakfast.
Yeah, we can... Do it some other time.
Linda, what are you doing ? It's like your parents are coming over.
No, it's more like her husband.
Come on, you guys. You promised to give her a chance.
Sorry. - God.
Hi. - Hi.
Hey. - Hey. I brought you these.
- Thank you.
Amy, Karen. - Hi.
- Jeanne, Michelle. - Hi.
- Hey. - Hey.
They'll be nicer after they've had a drink.
Mmm. - Flowers for the little woman.
I could get a sudden attack of food poisoning and have to go home...
Right now.
Just say the word. I won't take it personally.
No. I want you here.
So, what kind of work do you do ?
I work in a mail room. Mmm.
Do you need some help with that ? No, it's okay.
Why won't you let her help ? She's not used to having a man around the house.
Oh, no offense. It's just a figure of speech.
Don't you want some wine ? No, thanks.
You're afraid you're gonna relax, huh ?
- Yeah, something like that. - Come on. What do you mean ?
I guess if someone tries to mess with me, i just want to be ready for it.
It's the way you dress. Yeah.
Because of the way I look. Because people are assholes, karen.
Oh, come on. You know you could dress differently, make it easier on yourself.
- It wouldn't be easier.
- That tie's been hurtin' my eyes all night long. - Why don't you stop it ?
No, I don't mean it as an insult.
I'm just sayin' the girl is suffocatin' herself and doesn't even realize it.
- Why don't you try that on. - No, thanks.
It might look good if you-- leave her alone.
- Chill out, it's just a shirt. - You've been acting like such a freak all night.
- All right. It's no big deal. I'll try it on. - - You could try it on here.
- We're all women, right ?
- wow.
You put it on. Now take it off. How do you know she doesn't like it ?
I don't. - Amy, you can't see yourself.
I've been dying to do this to your hair all night. Don't touch me !
Stop it ! Amy. Amy ! Amy, please, I'm sorry. For what ?
That you're ashamed of me ? I never want you to change for me.
Do you have any idea what you just did ?
Wanna know why you don't like amy ?
It's because you're scared of anyone who's not just like you.
Hi. - "hi" ?
Amy, I need you to hear this-- don't you understand clothes are only part of who I am ?
When I was little, my mother-- - yes, I do.
You do ?
Yeah.
Amy, all of this time I haven't been ashamed of who you are.
I've been ashamed of myself.
So ?
So, you accept who you are, and I love that about you.
I wanna be like you.
well, I think you'd look stupid in a suit or motorcycle jacket.
You know, I think it's time that the big, bad, scary lesbians...
Went inside and had sex, if anybody cares.
Good coffee. Mm-hmm. - It's good ? Good.
It's been made for a few hours. - It's strong.
It's been really cold. Yeah. - Lately it has been.
Fran !
Yeah, but not too cold. No, but for this time of year it's been cold.
It's been very surprising. Fran, for goodness' sakes--
Very nice.
Ta-da !
It's not that we don't want you...
In the child's life.
It's really-- it's mainly that we just don't want you...
In the child's life.
You understand. I mean, we talked about all this before.
Well--
We-we just think it's a little weird...
Not to have any involvement in the child's life.
Right. Just like... Some.
Maybe a holiday or two. That's all we were thinking. We know it's your baby, but--
What-what "but" ?
See, that's why we were so specific with you about the--
The responsibility of the donor.
Exactly. Zero.
Do either of you guys remember the "zero parenting responsibility" clause...
That we all agreed to ? Uh, yeah.
We're sorry.
I think that-- we wanted to. I mean, we really did, but--
We know how important this was to you.
We really do. It's just that...
We feel strongly about wanting to participate here.
That's okay.
We understand.
Yeah. Yeah, we do.
It's fine. It's fine. Right ?
Yeah. - I-- what we're gonna do is...
Just-just move on from here, because this is something...
Clearly you've thought about, and it's your decision,
And this is your response, and this is our response,
And you shouldn't feel responsible for responding to the way we're responding--
To you.
Look at her.
Look.
Oh, look at him. Is he not the cutest little boy ?
Fran, I don't know if I can know him.
I don't know if I can know--
To be able to point and say "that's the father of our baby."
I don't-- I mean, not that I could put a face to anyway.
I don't-- I don't-- no face is okay with me.
I can't believe they have sex-selected semen.
I can't believe you can order sperm over the internet.
Well, I don't think you can actually order it, but--
You can. You can order it, and they send it in the mail.
Oh. No.
No, I'm gonna pick it up. I mean, that's the least I can do.
Are you-- are you sure this is legal ? Yeah, it is. Look.
They've got menus and lists and the whole darn thing.
you know, maybe we should think about having an ethnic baby.
Ethnic babies are so beautiful.
What, are you kiddin' ? Are-are you serious ? You're not serious, are you ?
Yeah, I thought I was. What happened to what we talked about ?
I'd kinda like it to look a little like me. I mean, do I look...
Indonesian, or what--
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Well, I mean, you know--
I'm sorry. you know, I'm sorry sometimes too.
I love you so much.
I want the child to look exactly like you. That's too far.
What if they lie ? That's what I wanna know.
I mean, what are they gonna do-- hire a private detective to follow the guy...
Who says he plays guitar after solving world peace every day ?
Yeah, exactly. I mean, who checks these resumes anyway ?
What do you call those things ? How the hell should I know ?
Profiles. Profiles. I knew that. That's what they're called,
Because that's what... The F.B.I. Keeps on convicts.
We're gonna get a felon donor. Who would be more inclined to do this--
Some serial killer who needs 20 bucks, or some handsome genius...
With an i.Q. Of a zillion ? What genius gives sperm ?
What self-possessed person wants to jerk off in a cup for 20 bucks ?
how's it comin' ?
Oh.
You know, maybe-- I mean, just maybe--
There's some wonderful guy who just walks in here and says,
"hey, I just wanna drop off my sperm...
"in case there's this...
Great lesbian couple who needs it."
I'm scared outta my head.
me too.
It's perfectly normal. All your concerns are normal,
But I have to tell you, before we sell any of our sperm to a client,
We've known our donors for at least a year. You're kidding.
No, we do extensive background checks.
We go back at least three generations for most of our donors.
It would be really difficult to lie under those circumstances.
I guarantee you're getting the cream of the crop here.
"cream of the crop."
Do you believe that woman is talking about sperm...
And using sentences with the word "cream" in it ?
Doesn't that seem to have been the slightest bit weird to you ?
Yes, it's weird. The whole thing is weird to me.
- Maybe we should adopt. - Oh, yeah. That's easy.
Adoption agencies are always so open to alternative family adoptions.
That's true. It'd be quicker if you got me pregnant.
- What are you doin' ? - I hate that I can't get you pregnant.
- I hate it more. - Couldn't possibly.
Oh, yeah. Know why ?
Hmm ? When I fell in love with you,
I decided that I never wanted another man in my life--
Or, in my bedroom, at least.
And now, in order to get pregnant,
I have to have another man-- or, at least, a part of a man--
In the bedroom, and it's not fair, and so I hate it more.
Honey ? You're sitting on my ball. - Hmm ?
I'm freaking... Out.
About what ?
I don't have sperm. That's why I'm freaking out.
Can you believe-- I don't have sperm, and I am forced to keep looking at--
At pages and pages of-of...
Potential sperm that-- because I can't--
I can't give you the baby, okay ? So--
So we'll never know that the-- what that would be like:
If just by our love-- if just by just one night of our love...
That we accidentally get pregnant.
If we had that kind of luck that we could say, "oops ! Look what we did out of love."
But we can't do that, so now we have to look at sperm and pick the guy...
That's closest to me, that has blue eyes and blond hair, and--
I don't care anymore. I don't care.
I mean, really, is his sperm gonna be different 'cause he's an electrical engineer...
Than the guy that works at a hardware store, even, you know ?
That has a little red vest ? What's wrong with that ?
Interests: Hiking. He walks.
Wow, that's special. You must be a special guy.
I mean, our kid is gonna be a great kid, because we're gonna raise it with such respect,
And we're gonna teach it so many positive things...
And tell it that it can be anything it wants to be,
And he can grow up to be anything and everything...
Because it's a beautiful child, and it's an individual.
That's all that matters. Am I right ?
Yes, you are right,
But I thought we were just gonna narrow it down today--
Just narrow it down to the few that we like. That's what I'm doing.
I've narrowed it. I did. I narrowed it down. Okay. Good. Good.
And-and who did you pick ? I picked the ten nonreligious towheads...
With an I.Q. Over 95. Perfect.
Yup. - Yeah.
Brownie ? - No.
I refuse to get fat over this process.
Thank you, though.
Hmm ? - Why are we watchin' t.V. ?
What ? Just thinkin' there's better entertainment.
Yeah ?
You know, shelly did this for a year.
Did what ? Peed in a cup...
So that they could chart her ovulation cycles and patterns...
So they would know the whole thing before they got started.
Who's shelly ? Oh, you know, that, um,
That woman that used to work with us whose husband was a football player for the lakers.
- That was like five years ago. - Well, story's still relevant.
Okay, go.
By the way, do you know that the lakers is a basketball team ?
What did I say ? I did ? You said "football." mm-hmm.
You did. Whatever. How am I supposed to keep that all straight ?
If we have a boy, you might wanna know these things. If we have a boy,
You'll know these things, so why should I have to ?
And, by the by, we could have a girl who was more interested in sports than a boy,
And I still wouldn't be able to tell the difference, so there you have it.
Mm-hmm.
- I'm ovulating. Yeah. Yes. - You are ? Right now ?
Oh, my god. Grab the profiles !
So, which one should we pick ? Let's go with the philosophy student.
Oh, but he collects stamps. Okay, then pick the one you like.
Well, uh-- oh, the skydiver ! No, no, no.
We nixed the skydiver. I don't want my kid to have a death wish.
I like that risk-taking quality. I think maybe we should think about him some more.
Fran, what are you doing ? I'm not gonna go through this again, okay ?
I just wanna be sure. We are sure !
We narrowed it down to seven "sures." just pick one who isn't a collector.
C-can you hold, please ?
Fran, what are you doin' ?
You ovulate once a month. Let's take advantage of this, okay ?
The carpenter. The carpenter. The carpenter.
Good. Jesus was a carpenter. I like it. What's the number ?
31058. - 31058.
- They're out of jesus. - What do you mean ?
They sold out of it. We should have ordered all of it and put it on hold.
Okay, have 'em call jesus and-and-and just ask him for some more.
Okay. Can you call and ask Jesus for more ?
Th-they could try, but the batch wouldn't be tested. He doesn't have a girlfriend anymore.
So what does that mean ? Well, he could have slept around, honey.
Oh. Okay. Well, we don't wanna take that chance. No.
We're thinking. - Uh--
The professor. He's been married a really long time. His sperm'll be really potent.
Do you have any more of the professor's ? The number. I'm sorry.
83162. - 83162.
Yes, they do. We want it. Yes. - Yes.
We want all of it. All of it. How much is it ?
Wow ! Okay. Whatever. Okay.
I'll be there in about a minute and a half. Good-bye.
All right, I am going to pick up some very expensive frozen sperm.
And then it takes two or three months of testing before they can even qualify.
Yeah. We do extensive background checks. Thank you.
Yeah, some of our donors we go back as far as--
That's fermented fresh milk for you.
That was walking in the field this morning. Yes. Fermented fresh milk ?
Not cream ? With cream.
Three generations. We really do--
hi, kal. - Hi, fran.
Have you got the stuff ?
Yeah, I got the stuff.
Why are you whispering ? 'cause I don't want anybody to see me.
Okay. Okay. Okay. Come in. Okay.
Fran ? I can't get through the door. - Yeah ? Oh.
Okay. That's good. How's that ?
Oh ! - Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Okay. Honey ? Yeah ?
I'd like to hug you too, but I have to put the baby down first.
Oh. Okay. Okay. - Okay ? Okay. All right.
What the hell are you wearing ? Yeah. Do you like it ?
Do you think it's okay ? Yes. No. But I got it.
It's fine. It's fine. I think it's okay.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
What did you do ?
Oh, honey. You're somethin' else.
- What's that ? - I boiled it.
- You boiled the baster. - I boiled the baster.
- To sanitize it ? - Yes.
Are you tryin' to make things more difficult ?
All right. All right.
Okay. All right. Okay.
Maybe we could take advantage of this time. I could give you pedicures in this position.
That's true. I could be like this-- yeah.
Last one. Last time we do this.
And I'm sorry about it, let me tell you.
Fourth time's a charm. Now scootch for me ?
That's good. Who'd have thunk I'd be so infertile ?
- You know my mom has seven kids ? - Seven kids ?
Yeah, for crying out loud, you'd think I could have one, right ?
Yeah, but today's the day. I can feel it. Me too.
I just feel like such a loser. Oh, please. Come on. You guys are amazing.
You have no idea how many couples come in and do this time after time, okay ?
You just got started. Yeah. - Really ?
You promise ? Look for the silver lining.
Yeah, okay ? Okay ? That's the doctor talkin'. Have a little sip of wine.
All right.
Okay. This isn't gonna hurt. Oops, I lied. Just a little.
Good.
- Okay, kal ? - Huh ?
Would you like to insert the sperm ?
Yeah. - Yeah.
Wow. Yeah, huh ? Yeah. Okay.
all right. - Okay.
All the way. That's it.
I'm ready. Oh, good. I'm glad you're ready, because you know what ?
What ? - We're done.
Really ? Yes !
What ? No kissing ? Oh. - Okay.
Naw, come on ! how cute was that ?
Aw. Oh, god.
I love you. I love you.
I really love you.
I really-- - i love you both, but let me just leave the room, okay ?
Yeah. Yeah, can you get outta here, please ? Thank you.
Yeah. My pleasure.
I think this might be it. Right ? - Right. Right. Yeah.
I feel it. Yeah. Yeah, do like a thing.
Exactly. - Okay.
Okay.
I don't think she meant "immediately" immediately.
You could have waited until we got home. - Shh. I know what I'm doing.
You pregnant ? Oh, yeah.
Yep. It was an instant, intimate thing.
You need help there ? All right. No. I got it.
Do you think it's selfish-- wanting to bring a child into this world ?
What do you mean ? - I mean,
Aside from all the...
Craziness and the violence,
If it's our child, it's gonna get teased,
And it's gonna have to defend us.
Maybe. But kids get teased.
All kids get teased. That's just part of childhood, isn't it ?
And, hopefully, by the time our kid is old enough to know what discrimination is,
The world will have changed a bit.
if it doesn't ?
And if it doesn't...
Is an interesting question, because it always has.
I mean, come on. All I want to do is love you.
Just keep loving you...
And love our kid...
And just have that kid witness our love, and--
It's all from love-- how can that be wrong ?
You're gonna be a great mom.
I hope so.
- Oh. Oh. - Oh, my god.
Oh, they're beautiful.
Thank you. They're terrific too.
- You got kids in school here ? - No.
No, we don't even-- we don't have kids.
Oh, well, you should try it.
Good luck. - Thank you.
- hey.
She says we should try it. I think we should try it maybe.